Step 1: Learn these snob vocabulary terms:
Sellout—any popular band that was once unpopular.
Poseur—anyone who likes a sellout. Alternatively, it could mean someone who has not been a fan of a band as long as you.
Underground—Excellent
Commercial—Evil
Sounds like…meets….—as in, “Band X sounds like Band Y meets Band Z.” This means Band X sounds nothing like either Band Y or Band Z. Example: “I love Moby! He sort of sound like Pantera meets Alanis Morrisette.”
Lo-fi, indie, nu-metal, poppy, retro, anarchist, authentic, awesome, infectious, experimental—terms with no meaning that can be applied to almost anything. Use as often as possible.
Step 2: Familiarize yourself with these bands;
The Pixies
The Velvet Underground
Sonic Youth
Beck
Fugazi
You must love these bands. If you don’t, then you are not cool.
Step 3: Familiarize yourself with these bands;
Goo Goo Dolls
Blink 182
Limp Bizkit
The Strokes
Linkin Park
You must hate these bands. If you don’t, then you are not cool.
Step 4: Familiarize yourself with these bands;
Nirvana
Tool
Radiohead
Metallica
The Beatles
The Who
R.E.M.
Pearl Jam
Moby
The Beastie Boys
You are allowed to have your own opinion on these bands, but they must be expert opinions, backed up by absolute proof that your theory is correct. For example “Nirvana is a good band, but they aren’t Pixies good. Too poppy. Just listen to Incesticide, and you’ll see that their songwriting capabilities are far inferior, despite their best efforts.” You should be able to name every one of their songs, albums, concerts and members. You must also like their first albums far better than their last albums. If you don’t, then you are not cool.
Step 5: Discover at least 5 bands that no one has ever heard of. Memorize them, and brag to other music snobs about how great they are and how you saw them in concert, and how you are the first to know about them. I, personally, was a System of a Down fan even before they released their first, self titled album. I can now simultaneously mock other so-called SOAD poseur fans who had barely heard of them before “Chop Suey!” feel superior to them, AND despise SOAD for being sellouts to the Man.
Step 6: Realize that every other aspiring music snob is trying to do the same thing as you, and find unknown bands to become fans of. Therefore, you must familiarize yourself with every band that has ever existed. Then, when someone says to you, “I saw this band Queens of the Stone Age, who you have probably never heard of, in concert, and they were awesome! Their self titled album is great!”, you can say “You only know their self titles album? I’ve been a QOTSA fan ever since their first EP! Poseur.”
Step 7: If you abbreviate the name of a band for no reason, you are obviously knowledgeable about this band, and are not one to be messed with. When you refer to And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead as AYWKUBTTOD, and actually pronounce it correctly, it is immediately clear that your knowledge of the band is immense.
Step 8: Create your own genres when referring to music. It’s really easy, here are some examples:
Rapmetalcore
Ambientoid Technotic Trance
Austro-Zimbabwean Crazed Drumming
The Cosmic Super Happy Retro Sound
The Nu-Reggae Movement
Try to fit every type of your music into your genre, so it encompasses all recorded music.
Step 9: Start a band. It doesn’t matter if you are not talented…that shouldn’t hinder your chances of getting on MTV, in theory. But you don’t want to get on MTV. You don’t even really want to write or perform music. You just want to be able to say you are part of a band, one far superior to every other band ever. You should also (www.mp3.com/sadistic_smurf) promote your band (www.mp3.com/sadistic_smurf) relentlessly. (www.mp3.com/sadistic_smurf)
Step 10: Keep in mind that you are the world’s resident musical expert. No one knows more than you, and no one should even dare challenge you. You are a force to be reckoned with. You are a cool music snob.
