The British rock mainstream is, somehow, actually getting WORSE. Here’s a round-up of some of the recent bland-rock arses to get over-hyped in our decaying music press:
Apparently some people still like *Coldplay*, but, oh dear, they forgot to write a new song again. And despite the banal nature of their guitar-pop, the singer is still under the bizarre illusion that he’s in a rock band. Wake up you lanky goon, you’re shit.
When is somebody going to shoot *Oasis*, because they’re taking their fucking time. Managing to write the most boring comercial-indie-bore song EVER, they’re starting to sound more like Embrace than the Stone Roses (which is ironic, because Embrace used to sound just like Oasis).
*The Coral* have been championed by the NME who’s ability to pick out the Next Big Flop is growing exponentially. And oops, somebody forget to tell them what year it is. Don’t get me wrong, I fucking LOVE Captain Beefheart (although The Coral’s Kinks side makes me want to vomit), but if I want to hear Safe As Milk I’ll fucking listen to Safe As Milk, not some shitster wank band who’re so concerned with being unconventional they forgot to write a song.
I thought Kylie Minogue was bad, but as far as Australian pop music goes, *The Vines* really are the worst. Fucking hell. I know Kurt Cobain was a pathetic junkie hick, but isn’t it a bit disrespectful to start ripping off his band? Where’s your respect for the dead you shits. This is the sound of McDonalds staff who heard a White Stripes album and thought “Hey, we could do that!” But they can’t.
Why would you listen to *The Strokes* when you can still buy Velvet Underground albums? Oh, because you’re a trendy fashion-victim cunt-head.
Where did it all go wrong for *Doves*? Their first album was promising enough, featuring some good and innovative indie-rock. So why is it that their last album turned out so fucking bland? I mean, Jesus, since when was it cool to copy Coldplay? Seriously, shut the fuck up. That guy can’t even sing.
I think *The Stereophonics* are the most pathetic band to appear in the entire history of rock music. If their dire, repetitive pop music wasn’t bad enough, there are constant stories of pomposity and deceit from these shits. Victims of their constant lies range from Muse to Arab Strap. And look, you only get the right to be a pretentious little bugger if a) you’re the future or b) you rock. Hard. And guess what? The Stereobollocks don’t apply to either.
*Ed Harcourt* is another victim of un-earned pretentiousness. “I am an Island of talent in a sea of.. um… shit” he muses, stupid sunglasses hiding his stupid face. His dull boogie-woogie is so inane it would make Jules Holland proud. Shitster.
*Kosheen* are mistaken in their belief that if you give your singer an acoustic guitar your dance-pop group counts as a ‘proper band’.
You’d think that even the mainstream of rock would be able to filter out the blatantly musically-inept, hygiene-free figure of all things fucking boring that is *Badly Drawn Boy*. He could be forgiven for wearing a tea-cosy and being so damn ugly if he could actually play some good music, but unfortunately for anyone who’s ever loved folk or pop, he can’t.
For more information go to: www.nme.co.uk