While there may be a huge number of reasons why people listen to and like this so called Electronic Music, it lacks one thing that Rock ‘n’ Roll currently has the monopoly on in music: Healing Power. When you go to an Aerosmith concert in a wheelchair — hating yourself, hating your mother and father for not buying you a nicer wheel chair—you come away doing a little jig and shouting out, “Thank you, Rock! You saved me from myself.” Wheelchairism isn’t the only thing Rock has been known to cure. Everything from scabies to the AIDS has reportedly “gone the way of the dodo” when exposed to AC/DC-sized amounts of pure Rock.
Numerous tests have been conducted upon Electronic Music of various styles (among them Acid House, Party House, Club House, Heavy House, Hard House, White House, Fast Hard Heavy House, and many others) to find out what it is that gives the genre the utter lack of the ability to heal wounds, cure diseases, and create lives anew. The results have been baffling to be sure. No experts can agree on what the cause might be. Dr. Funkenmeister suggests that “God just may have it in for the rave scene.” Others are skeptical as to the actually involvement of God in the matter. When questioned, God gave no comment. When questioned repeatedly, God became quite annoyed and hundreds of children in Laos drowned in what could be the worst monsoon of the week. The research will continue; college tuitions will increase.
Other genres are still up for investigation. A grandmother in Minnesota said her rheumatism “vanished” just minutes after listening to Tupac single at top volume on her grandson’s stereo (although she called it a ‘hi-fi’, crazy old bitch). Another grandmother claimed just the reverse, but she’s also incontinent, so who cares what she says. A congressman from an undisclosed district plans to listen to Bitches Brew a whopping 29 times this week, in hopes he will no longer need his colostomy bag. His wife fears his attempts are in vain, and has suggested Dark Side of the Moon instead.
All hail Rock ‘n’ Roll, the Bringer of Light and Curer of Ills.