Sitting here at 12 am is doing me no good. The Doctors say the pills will help. But, I can feel the voice within laughing and pushing. He wants out.
I can’t say as I blame him. 36 years of freedom and then you are tossed behind a big glass cage door. You can watch, but you can’t really affect anything. Nothing. Not the wind or the movement. So you pace and the person outside is uncomfortable with your stirring. He doesn’t want you out. He want’s part of you but will never again accept you as a whole.
The pill goes down with a chill and pain against my teeth. I listen to the wind howl and wait for the pacing inside to stop. It will be an hour or so. SO I shuffle off to bed to find a very chilly reception from my partner and wife.
Things will be better in the morning, I say as I lie to myself silently. I’ll wake up not happy, but not sad. My rational self understands the emotions; guilt, self-loathing, rage, paranoia, lethergy. This self knows this is necessary. But gone is the completeness once felt. Only the calm and quiet of the mind will remain in a few hours.
When I wake it will be just another day. Hoping my wife forgives me for the distance and one word answers she not too gently reminded me of before she went to bed hours ago. The situation will be better. But gone will be the drive to perform my art; the only purpose in my life for years.
The computer flickers and I fire it up and log onto GOM. Maybe someone will have some music to move me. I hope it’s a medley……