It’s always a treat to open up an mp3.com site and be bombarded by a series of news updates, links to better artists, sponsors, guestbooks, etc. It makes the site look SO PROFESSIONAL! They must be top notch producers. (Sarcasm abounds; hold your applause).
As was expected, you listen to their first track and spend the next 7 minutes (3.5 min. if you’re lucky, 1.5 min. if you’re smart) in a meaningless, comatose state of sub standard existence. YUCK! You run to the shower and “cleanse” yourself as best you can, only to realize that soap and a facecloth can’t heal your soul (the way it needs healin’ right now).
Shake it off. You knew that was coming.
You return the unholy site and PaRuSe. A closer look at the “news updates” and “calendar” reveals various mundane and uninteresting factoids:
“20.05.01 – I just finished my latest track. It should be up soon.
15.05.01 – I’m back from scouts camp. So I’ll be able to respond to all your emails again.
11.05.01 – I’m off to scouts camp. We’re going to learn how to be real men. I’m bringing ‘ABBA gold’ this time. We always listen to too much rock.
03.05.01 – I finished my latest track. Starry Funk Moon Space (Galactic space monkey remix). It’s way better than the original Starry Funk Moon Space. I added like, a way better hihiat, and the beginning is longer! Check it out.”
Right now, somewhere in the world, someone is shaking his head in disbelief.
You scroll down to read the song descriptions, which are eaqually laughable.
“This one’s sure to get the dancefloor movin! 140BPM AND COUNTING!”
“One of my best tracks ever! It’s got one of the best melodies I’ve heard, and the Snare build is the best ever! It’s the best, I’m serious!”
“This one’s NEAT! My mom said she like it!”
WHEN WILL THE VILLANY END!!!
(Dave quietly excuses himself for a moment to go pull his hair out)
Enough. We go to the artist info. No surprise here. “..:[email protected]:..” as the artist calls himself, has been making techno for almost a year now. His musical influences are Prozzac, N*sync remixes, ATB, and ATC. And his similar artists are ATB, Alice Dj, and Soul Decision. His musical instruments include MTV MusicMaker, and his imagination!, and he’d like a press review (that he could publish without being completely put to shame).
I write this, in my arrogance and in my narcissism, knowing full well that I’m guilty of some of the things I’ve chastised. If you’d like to find out exactly WHAT I’ve been hypocritical about, then check out my website at
be sure to check out Analog Vomit! It’s my best track ever!
Dave in Port Moody